Monday, June 05, 2006

The Joke Post...


I'm bored, and I haven't put up a new post in quite a while, so...

Time to share some funnies. No one else seems to have bothered with keeping a thread like this, so I figured I'd go ahead and do so. I seem to like to maintain the perpetual posts around here anyway, so why not.

Feel free to share your favorite jokes in this post. Potty humor is encouraged, as seen by the pics below. :)-





60 Comments:

Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

For all the 'blondes', be them real or otherwise, you're still 'blonde'. ;)

---------------------------
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Mon Jun 05, 05:57:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

I went to Atlantic City when I visited my Mom a couple of months back and did pretty good at the blackjack tables. (+$800) So this joke just struck me especially funny...


The IRS & GOD
-----------------------------
A man gets a notice from the IRS that he has to pay a $10,000 tax bill by Thursday, and only having $5,000 he decides to pray.
GOD says 'Go to Vegas!'
The man goes to Vegas, walks in to the Sahara and sits down at the Blackjack table.
GOD says 'Bet it ALL!!!'
The guy bets all $5000, and gets a 3 and a 2.
GOD says 'Take a hit.'
Guy gets a 5, now he's got 10.
GOD says 'take another hit.'
Guy gets a 4, now he's at 14.
GOD says 'Take a hit.'
Guy gets a 3, now at 17.
GOD says menacingly 'TAKE A HIT!!!'
Guy is nervous but takes the hit...a 3! Now he has 20.
GOD screams from the heavens trembling the earth, 'TAKE A HIT!!!!!!!'
The guy takes the hit and draws an ACE!
GOD: 'UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!!!!'

Mon Jun 05, 05:58:00 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

So, I actually posted this one a while back on Maki's blog(at least I think it was Maki's, anyway) but its so funny I thought I'd share it again, in case anybody, missed it.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the Ass and say!, WHO'S HORNYYY!????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. haha

Mon Jun 05, 07:36:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Nice, Tom. I know I read that somewhere lately, just don't recall where.

Mon Jun 05, 09:23:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Hmmm... Let's go back to Blonde bashing...
-------------------
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

--------------------
Why did the blonde get so excited that she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

Because the box said 2-4 years.

--------------------

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

--------------------

What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?

A blonde doing cartwheels.

---------------------

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week

Mon Jun 05, 09:54:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

real or otherwise??

Tue Jun 06, 02:47:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

:)-

Wed Jun 07, 06:00:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

I can't seem to stop the blonde jokes... This is a really old one.


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

Wed Jun 07, 08:07:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

HA!

Wed Jun 07, 08:33:00 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

Thats awesome.. I feel blonde just for not seeing that coming!

Wed Jun 07, 08:44:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Even more...

Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

================================

I'm sure this one is actually a TRUE story...

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

Wed Jun 07, 09:25:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Blondes, blondes, blondes...


A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Thu Jun 08, 07:20:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

OK, we'll give the blondes a break today...

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

-------------------
Not a joke, but since it's Friday I thought I'd throw out this list of pickup lines guaranteed not to work:

1. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

2. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

3. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

4. HI! Can I buy you a car?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?.

6. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

7. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

8. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

9. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

10. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

11. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

12. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

13. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

14. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

15. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

16. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

17. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.

18. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

19. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

20. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

Fri Jun 09, 07:17:00 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

What on earth makes you think #3 wouldn't work?

Here are a couple more:

21.Is that a mirror in your pocket?(No.Why?)Because I can see myself in your pants.
22. How do you get into those pants? Can I start by buying you a drink?
23. You must be tired. Cause you've been running through my mind all night.
24. I lost my phone number. Can I have your's?

Fri Jun 09, 08:27:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

How about these two, which HAVE worked.

25. If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years, could I come up to see you between the holidays?

26. Wow, you're a Physical Education major? That's a tough cirriculum, I really respect that. (**Engineers are smart asses by nature)

Fri Jun 09, 09:18:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Apparently, even this one works. Amazing.

27. You should give me your number before I'm no longer coherent.

OK, another joke:

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast

Sun Jun 11, 05:53:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Less of a joke and more of how big business works...

========================
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....

Wed Jun 14, 08:18:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ."

Thu Jun 15, 06:14:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Yay! Thanks for playin.

I like that one.

Thu Jun 15, 08:09:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

I like jokes... I just never can remember them.

Sat Jun 17, 02:52:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Here's a nice one... :)-

Whats the difference between love, true love & showing off?

SPITTING___SWOLLOWING____&_____GARGLING

Sun Jun 18, 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

This is a really old one...


A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young paralysed woman lying on a blanket next to a wheelchair. She clearly upset and crying. The man walks over and asks, "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"

The girl looks up at him and says, "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?"

The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away. But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks, "What's wrong now? You've been kissed, aren't you happy?"

"Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me," she says, "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever played with my breasts or my pussy."

So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again. Only to be brought back by her sobs, which are now louder than ever.

"What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?"

"Yes," she says, "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been fucked."

So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"

Mon Jun 19, 09:02:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

First time I've ever heard of a guy turning THAT down...

Mon Jun 19, 02:18:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Then, you're not meeting the right kind of guys...

Mon Jun 19, 02:20:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

I'm not sure I want to meet a guy who throws tearful (and horny) paralyzed women to the sharks.

I like the find x joke. Think I can use it on my exit exam Friday?

Tue Jun 20, 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Yes. You should just print it out and attach it to the exam. Write on the top of it X-tra Credit. Maybe your Prof will have X-tra mercy on you...

Tue Jun 20, 12:11:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

It's not my prof... it's like a whatchamacallit test... like the GMAT or the SAT... standardized... that's it! Standardized.

Tue Jun 20, 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

OK, then write Standardized Extra Credit Attachment at the top and tell them it's worth 30 points.

Tue Jun 20, 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Procrastination is like masturbation, both feel great until you've realized you just fucked yourself.

Wed Jun 21, 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Another really old one...


A son asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" The Father replied, "If you really want to know, go ask your mother if she'll sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. And then go ask your brother if he'll sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars, and then come back to me and tell me what you found out." So the son goes to his mom and says, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" and the mom says "For a Million Dollars, Hell yeah I would, I've been wanting to forever!" So the son goes to his sister and asks her if she'll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and the sister says "Oh man, would I ever!!! I'd Love To!!" So then the son goes to his brother and says, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" and the brother says, "Hmm...for a million dollars, well...a million dollars is a lot of money, so...yeah I guess I'd do it for a million dollars" So the boy goes back to his dad and the dad says to his son, "Well, what did you find out???" and his son replies, "Well, we're Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."

Wed Jun 21, 01:22:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-Dolly Parton

Thu Jun 22, 06:18:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Uh huh... whatever.

Thu Jun 22, 07:52:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
----------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
----------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Thu Jun 22, 03:44:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served them food and
drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely
people, if you could just put your trays up, that
would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you.
"Tray-up, Bitch."

Fri Jun 23, 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Good one!

Fri Jun 23, 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sat Jun 24, 07:52:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

DAYUUUM... That's some cold shit. :)

Sat Jun 24, 08:33:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Mon Jun 26, 02:30:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Old, but good. Just like you. :)-

Mon Jun 26, 02:51:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

God was talking to Adam and said, “Adam, I can make you the perfect counterpart. She’ll always look beautiful, she’ll always make you happy, and she’ll never talk back — but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam though for a minute, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

Mon Jun 26, 03:17:00 PM  
Blogger Who's That Girl? said...

I have been laughing my ass off at MOST of these jokes...admittingly, Tom, I am very sorry...I hate yours. I will never be able to laugh about domestic violence. I can't even believe people would think it's even funny to joke about it...unless it's the abusers who made the jokes to begin with. I'm sure my ex would love a copy!

Tue Jun 27, 01:14:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Radio Transmission - British Navy vs. Irish


This is a transcription of an actual radio conversation between*the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland, October*10, 1998.**Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

10/10/98

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to*avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the*North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees*to the*South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say*again, divert*YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS ILLUSTRIOUS! THE SECOND LARGEST*SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,*A CRUISER AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE*15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES*WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse.....................Your Call.

Tue Jun 27, 07:32:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

I posted a comic on my page...

Wed Jun 28, 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

I've seen that one before... I like it. :)

I wish Blogger would let people comment pics inside of these threads. :(

Wed Jun 28, 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

WTG- I totally understand(that you don't find it funny), I remember one of your blogs that you mentioned some of what you went through. Right after I posted that I went over to the "Alcohol" thread and was catching up on some of those(I hadn't been there in a while) and I read your comments there about your experience, which had slipped my mind, and I felt like(and probably am) the worlds biggest asshole. Unfortunately a lot of the "jokes" I know, when you really think about them, are not funny at all. You have no reason to be sorry that you don't find them funny, they really shouldn't be, I am sorry that I posted them and I hope you don't hate me for posting them, it was very poor taste on my part.

Wed Jun 28, 04:33:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Thu Jun 29, 09:49:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"



"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."



And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."



The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"



"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Thu Jun 29, 04:10:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Hey, how about another set of pick up lines? I kinda like 12, 32, 41, and 45.

1. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

2. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

3. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

4. I like every bone in your body especially mine.

5. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

6. Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

7. Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

8. Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.


9. Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me.


10. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

11. You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

12. I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

13. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

14. If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

15. Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

16. How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

17. Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna ****?

18. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

19. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

20. Can I have fries with that shake!

21. I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

22. You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

23. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

24. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

25. Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

26. Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

27. Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

28. Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

29. My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

30. I'd look good on you.

31. When does your centerfold come out.

32. So do ya wanna see something really swell?

33. I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

34. I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

35. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

36. Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

37. I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

38. You have nice legs. What time do they open?

39. Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

40. Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

41. Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

42. Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

43. You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

44. Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

45. Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

46. If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

Thu Jun 29, 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So
they loaded up Jack's Hummer and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep
in th e barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be
gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for
the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of
that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his frien d Bob and asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9
months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed
about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of
telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look,
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

Well! She just died and left me everything."

Thu Jun 29, 05:20:00 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger
brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb
up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it harder and "tomato" if
she wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


She screams.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!


Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

Mon Jul 03, 04:15:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

You are sick, sick, puppy. My kinda girl! :)

Mon Jul 03, 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

In honor of last night's Beer Fest...

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishs them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."

Sat Jul 08, 07:15:00 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Nothing new here...

Fri Jul 14, 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Not in a 'funny' mood lately. Maybe later.

Fri Jul 14, 03:51:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Really old joke:

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

Sun Jul 16, 07:24:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual.
On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

Sun Jul 16, 07:28:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

Sun Jul 16, 07:31:00 AM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything in here, so here is something funny:

------------------------
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Fri Aug 04, 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

I've seen those Quantas entries before, they are still hilarious, thanks for posting them.


After my last set of disastirous "jokes" I took some time off but heres on I think everyone will find funny(though you've probably heard it before).

-------------------

A penguin is driving through the desert, on his way to Vegas. Suddenly, the A/C quits on him. At the next town he comes to he drives into the service station to get it fixed. The mechanic tells the penguin it'll take him about an hour to figure out what is wrong, so the penguin asks if there is somewhere he can keep cool. The mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream shop around the corner. The penguin heads over, orders the largest bowl of vanilla ice cream available and dives in, not even bothering with a spoon. The penguin gets ice cream all over his beak, flippers, and chest, making a total mess. When he is finished, he notices its been over an hour since he left the mechanic's. He runs out of the shop, without cleaning himself up, back to the service station. The mechanic, just finishing up with the penguins car, looks at the penguin and tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

"oh, no! no!" replies the penguin "It's just vanilla ice cream!"

Tue Aug 08, 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger ANONYMOUS said...

Here's a nice crude one that I'll post purely to get a reaction...


Women are like Shake- n- Bake bags. Put your meat in, shake it around, take your meat out, and throw them away

Fri Sep 01, 04:23:00 PM  

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